Photographer V Blak
Gardeners, farmers, green thumb people, who can’t kill a plant if they tried, and those composting know it alls. You know the type. Always smiling as they guide you through their indoor forest of house plants. Yeah, those people. I think they are all part of some secret club, maybe even an underground cult. It’s just too suspicious… how do they know how to keep plants alive? How do they get seeds to sprout? How come they never have brown crusty leaves covering their house plants? Come on, really, their orchids don’t turn belly up and die a week after they buy them?
I will admit it, this Evil Dark Flesh Monkie is definitely not a green thumb cult member. To prove it, I kill plants on a regular basis. I burn them alive, I kill them through dehydration and my favorite method is over watering. Drown them in their own pots. Yeah, I kill plants. I have the boy scout patch and eerily empty pots to prove it.
I don’t want to be a killer. I was just sadly born this way, you know like Dexter. Of course I have my fairytale dreams of joining the cult, learning the secret hand shakes and eating lunches with dirt under my nails. Hell, I fantasies of indoor house plant forest, acres of gardens, a home surrounded by edible plants consisting of everything an Evil Vegan could ever want to digest. I am drooling even as I write this. Yeah I have dream!
I also have an addiction. I’ll admit it. An addiction to that dark rich smooth warm drink called espresso. Better know as heaven in a cup. I am having one now. My girlfriend even turns on the machine first thing in the morning and places a fresh mug in the receiving position, so I only have to walk up and push the two shot please button to get the ball rolling. Lucky for me, I have one of those magic machines which grinds the espresso beans, filters the water, tamps the grounds and makes a perfect cup of espresso all with just a touch of a single button. You have seen him ( the machine) on some of the shows. Everyone calls him Joe. He is my best friend… He has also become my ticket into the that green thumb cult. Yeah, I am sneaking in with a dark brown thumb. Well that is my plan and so far…. Master Joe is proving to be a very wise indeed.
Okay I know, V what the hell are you rattling on about? We are going to stop reading this thing if you don’t get to a point. Okay I am getting there. Everyone who follows my post religiously knows I attempted to start a garden back in June. I was all ADD kid excited. I found myself at the local gardening center buying hundreds of dollars of seeds, hoses, seed starting soil and those plastic sprouting trays. Fast forward a month and guess what… no sprouting little plants in the clear plastic dome sprouting trays, no lush rows of plants and no sign of any cult membership forms in the mail. No, the perfect little seed starting soil I bought for $15 each didn’t work. The seeds seem to look at me as if I was holding them hostage. They even had the nerve to scream as I kindly put them out in the direct desert sun in the middle of July. How was I to know it was going to get 150 degrees under that plastic dome?